SEATTLE, Wash. — A startup consisting of retired members of the E4 Mafia has developed a new way to experience coffee: by exposing it to the alcoholic wastelands of veteran innards.
The discovery was accidental—as most discoveries involving retired E4s are. A strange series of events involving alcohol, fuzzy slippers, and $100 bet ended in the first iteration of the new coffee beans, now dubbed “Able Beans.”
“We were all in the same company in Iraq—Able Company,” said co-founder Ted Geller, proud of the originality in their naming conventions.
The Able Beans flagship variety enjoys a long four-day process, beginning when medically retired shammers ingest the beans after a 24-hour juice fast.
The startup says the rest of the steps are a close company secret, but “The beans do, in fact, enter and depart the bodies of not less than four alcoholic veterans,” according to Geller.
The result is a rich coffee with extra brown froth, similar in density to Kopi luwak coffee, the world’s most expensive coffee.
Geller and his bros anticipate being able to sell their beans for a similar price. Time will tell, however.
If the blends are any indication, though, the company has already hit the nail on the head. The Retention Control Point blend tastes the way retention officices smell — full of swag still wrapped in plastic.
Automatic Promotion whets the palette with that sense of a boot lieutenant, fresh to the force and brimming with potential, good idea fairies, and goddamn motivation.
Their pinnacle endeavor is easily Accidental Work, which leaves one with the feeling of accidentally doing more than you were asked: the sensation all E4s go to bed feeling. It flushes the tastebuds with notes of Copenhagen, Monster energy drinks, and Jalapeño cheese.
Update: a mix up at the print shop has fuddled the words on the packaging. If you are having trouble finding the new batch of coffee beans, simply Google “Anal Beads.”
WhiskeyFueledTirade contributed to reporting.