12 Air Force analysts accuse F-35 of assault on Pentagon budget

PENTAGON — Amid a wave of sexual assault allegations emerging in both politics and the entertainment industry, 12 Air Force budget analysts have come forward and accused the F-35 of assault on the Pentagon's budget, Duffel Blog has learned.

"I did not consent to a $40 million Pitot tube," Airman First Class Jerome Roberts said. "But when I opened up my spreadsheet the next day, there it was, signed off by every four-star general in the Air Force."

The accusations have sent shockwaves through the airplane's development cycle, and its Netflix show has already been cancelled. The plane itself, however, will be allowed to keep the $1.5 trillion it has accrued over its career, and currently no charges have been filed.

"The F-35 asked me if I wanted to watch while it vectored its thrust," said Technical Sgt. Sara Reynolds, one of the first victims to come forward. "It was disgusting."

"When the F-35 offered to not strangle its pilots only if I rubbed its radar array, I tried to stand up for myself," Reynolds said. "I tried to tell it that this was a classic example of quid pro quo, and that it had no right to expect favors in exchange for performing its duty."

Many believe that the F-35's status as an "untouchable" or "pet project" contributed to the environment in which the aircraft could feel free to assault the budget of the United States and those that manage it.

Some witnesses even reported that the F-35 would often wait outside JROTC squadrons, attempting to get young airmen-to-be to "check out its fiduciaries."

"We stand behind the F-35, and assert that it deserves to be presumed innocent until proven otherwise," Sen. Richard Shelby, a member of the Appropriations Committee, said in a press conference. "Until then, we have full faith that the F-35 will continue its duty of redefining what 'ready for deployment' really means."

The courage of the budget analysts have inspired many others to come forward about cases of sexual assault involving air force air frames. Currently, the Office of Special Investigations is looking into a multiple-victim case involving the A-10 making lewd jokes about the length and purpose of its GAU 8/A 30mm cannon.

Late yesterday evening, Lockheed Martin issued a statement that the F-35 was coming out as homosexual, but rapidly retracted the statement after public backlash. The F-35 declined to comment, as it was undergoing a $10 million landing gear upgrade.