DoD memo from 1985 finally authorizes service members to wear mullets

It's about damn time.

By As for Class

Recent advancements in ponytails for women have progressed the Army and other military services. But before ponytails were approved for women there was a memorandum from 1985 to approve mullets for men, and today it was finally signed.

"If women can wear ponytails, it's time to let men wear mullets," American Legion spokesman John Raughter said in response. "Fair is fair when it comes to hair."

The memo stemmed from a study that began in 1984 that suggested that men with mullets could run faster, jump higher, and instill traumatic levels of fear in the hearts of enemies.

The initial study was so promising that it continued into the 1990s and was finally published in 2003, but it was overshadowed by the Global War on Terror. It's unclear why the mullet memo was never approved, especially since the data showed that improving mullethality led to great recruitment numbers.

"If the hair is off my ears, I should be allowed to rock a sick pony, too. Man, it’d blow gloriously behind me when closing with and destroying our nation's enemies," said Bubba Boy, spokesman for Service Mulletmen, a niche veterans group.

Indeed, the study’s executive summary cited numerous examples of increased lethality by men sporting mullets in recent memory, including:

  • Patrick Swayze in “Road House”

  • Roddy "The Rod" Piper in “They Live”

  • Jean-Claude Van Damme in “Hard Target”

  • Richard Dean Anderson in “MacGyver”

  • Kurt Russell in “Big Trouble in Little China”

  • Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon”

  • Dolph Lundgren in “He-Man: Masters of the Universe”

  • Nicolas Cage in “Con Air”

  • Chuck Norris in “The Hitman”

Researchers also pointed to Sylvester Stallone in every single “Rambo” movie. The peer-reviewed study checked out, defense officials said.

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The memo was found last year in a desk drawer inside the Army’s G-1 personnel section at the Pentagon. The same drawer is rumored to house a number of sensitive and little-known copies of paperwork from as far back as the 1870s, including a copy of a request to take leave for at least a few months from Gen. George Custer in May 1876.

Rumors within the Pentagon cited mullets as a form of compromise.

"We'll do anything to avoid letting the men wear beards," said one general on condition of anonymity. "We're cool with them pretending that their religion is Jedi, though."

Perhaps the most illuminating of the rumors is that Gen. Mark A. Milley secretly wants a new haircut.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.

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