TWENTYNINE PALMS, CA — During an interview to discover the source of his unit’s abysmal hearing test scores, Marine 1st Sgt. Jonathan Pizarro realized this morning that he’s been yelling continuously for the past seven years.
“DAMMIT, DEVIL DOG!” he proclaimed when this reporter visibly winced from the sheer volume of his voice. “I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE I WAS BEING SO GOT-DAMN LOUD! I ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I’VE BEEN YELLING THIS WHOLE TIME?”
“My God,” he gasped, his voice suddenly a normal volume. “Is this why my wife left me? Is this why my kids hate me? Is this why all the Marines can’t stand being around me? Is this why my tinnitus keeps me up all night?”
After a pregnant pause, the first sergeant added, “Well, I was an artilleryman for the first 15 years of my career. That would explain all of it.”
“BESIDES, THAT’S JUST THE WAY WE LEARN TO SPEAK ON THE DEPOT,” he continued, his voice’s gravely timbre revealing irreversible damage to his vocal cords from years spent screaming at 18 year-olds in recruit training. “I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE MESSED WITH MY GOT-DAMN VOLUME CONTROL WHEN I GOT MY STANDARD-ISSUE LOBOTOMY AT DRILL INSTRUCTOR SCHOOL.”
Pizarro’s conversation with this reporter ended abruptly when he sprinted out of the office to scream at an unsuspecting lance corporal for walking on the grass. Said named Lance Corporal was seen at medical that afternoon, complaining about a persistent ringing in his ears that was later determined not to be service-connected.
29ReasonsWhy is a grunt. His mom is very proud of him.