KABUL — In the spirit of good order and discipline, 1st Sgt. Roger Bottom of Bravo Company, 2-502nd Infantry, invoked his right of jus primae noctis on Christmas care packages this past week.
“If this is what it is going to take to keep soldiers from wearing faddish eye wear or 'drive-on' rags, then so be it. I accept this burden and will discharge it to the highest standards set forth by my liege—er, command authority, President Barack Obama,” said Bottom while rapidly opening and closing a new Benchmade Stryker Autoknife. “Can I offer you a Christmas cookie? I have about 30 tins of them.”
Originally decreed by President Obama in a signed Executive Order, the initiative cites an obscure passage of section 103(a), Article 134 of the UCMJ as "basically the 21st century equivalent" of a medieval tradition. Speaking to reporters, Bottom said he is merely exercising his "vassal right" of seizing care packages to prevent soldiers from disposing of any contraband before they can be prosecuted to the full extent of the UCMJ.
