UNDERWAY ON THE USS KEARSARGE — You know him, you love him, you hate him. He’s your Chief Petty Officer! But you’ve been underway for a while now and things are starting to seem a little batty. Here are six surefire ways to tell if your Chief has become a bonafide creature of the night.

1. He spends all day in his coffin rack.

You’re pretty sure the General Quarters drill ended a few hours ago but for some reason, the Chief is still snoozing away in his berthing. Dracula couldn’t get through the night without being near the Transylvanian soil stashed away in his casket. Maybe that stack of bootleg DVDs the Chief keeps in his coffin rack is actually the source of his power. Whatever the cause, he looks plenty rested while you have to hot rack with the Undesignated Seaman in charge of cleaning up after whoever keeps pooping in the well deck.

2. You never see him topside for working parties.

Sweepers sweepers, man your brooms! The sun is shining and there’s a police call going on, but someone is curiously absent. You’re starting to suspect that the Chief isn’t shirking his duties, but rather that his flesh will disintegrate with even the smallest step outside the skin of the ship. The origins of heliophobia in mythical creatures remain unclear. Some think it has to do with vampires being the emissaries of Lucifer who must shun the light of day. Others attribute the lore to early cases of porphyria, a liver disorder that can result in blisters and itching with sun exposure. But you haven’t seen him go to medical lately, so it’s gotta be the Lucifer thing. Right?

3. He can only enter your berthing when accompanied by the Command Master Chief.

Ah, the threshold. Whether it’s a groom carrying his bride into their new home or conjuring a portal to the spirit world, the doorway has long been the house’s central point for warding off evil entities. Everyone knows a vampire can only cross the threshold of a home if invited in. And like clockwork, once a week the Command Master Chief is inviting your E-7 into your quarters for a “health and wellness” check. It’s not the white glove test you mind so much. You just wish he would stop jerking off into your socks. That seems to be a new thing vampires are doing these days.