83% of troops support direct action in escalating Chip-Swipe conflict

WASHINGTON – A recent poll conducted by Gallup found that 83% of active military service members support direct action in resolving the escalating chip and swipe conflict.

“Are we chipping or swiping, because I feel stupid as fuck," said Petty Officer Brandon Sweeney, echoing a common sentiment across the military. “I’m ready to throat punch every cashier until we figure this goddamn thing out.”

“Seriously, motherfuckers,” said Sweeney, as he swiped his card from each direction. “Could we get on the same page here, even just from one package store to the next on base?

While comments from the survey found that 38% of troops felt that “ISIS was damaging the U.S. through actions abroad,” a stunning 88% of respondents felt that staring at the credit card scan at a gas station checkout “demeaned and demoralized Americans…” during what they should be doing best — shopping.

Few causes have united troops with the same fervor in recent years. Other recent polls have found 43% in favor of action in Syria, 18% in favor of an increase of troops to combat ISIS in Iraq, and 12% of continuing security force assistance in Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, 78% of troops were willing to “hand the card to the cashier and just let them figure it out.”

While the survey focused on post 9/11 veterans, a smaller number of veterans of prior conflicts participated.

“Who’s chip?” said Spc4 Lewis Zarrotti, a WWII vet. “Never heard of him.”