82nd Airborne to fuel its own DUIs

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Last week the 82nd Airborne released its own brand of whiskey to reduce the outsourcing of paratrooper boozing.

“It’s our latest effort in vertical integration,” explained 82nd staff officer and brand ambassador Maj. Ray Gupta, “Why should Fayetteville bars supply our soldiers’ alcoholism when we can just do it ourselves?”

The release coincided with the division’s change of command and responsibility ceremony last Friday. At the ceremony's close, the incoming Maj. Gen. Christopher Donahue and Command Sgt. Maj. David Pitt shared an 82nd Whiskey toast to celebrate the DUIs of hundreds of soldiers for which they will now be responsible.

The new command team took their vehicle off-roading through Fort Bragg's training areas after the ceremony, hooting and hollering and continuing to imbibe in the liquor. When the MPs pulled them over and issued their DUIs, Donahue and Pitt were elated to have "set the example" for the division.

The 82nd Airborne Whiskey is straight bourbon whiskey and available for purchase in all Class 6 stores on Fort Bragg. Its taste, though marketed as “traditional,” is reportedly stale and outdated, much like the airborne tradition itself.

Some say the whiskey would be better than Leadslingers, if only they had more funding and better equipment.