MOODY AFB, Ga. - Members of the 75th Fighter Squadron have been behaving intentionally naughty in the hopes that Santa will deliver enough coal to continue fueling their aircraft, Duffel Blog has learned.
"We had to let Lt. Weinstein go last week," Capt. Marshal Lizzani, who flies the A-10, said as he kicked a puppy. "She spent a lot of time doing charity work and volunteering at her synagogue. We just can't have that kind of nice behavior stopping these GAU-8 guns from turning terrorists into a fine mist."
The aging A-10 Warthog, which until this incident was believed to be powered by rapidly flapping its wings, has long been facing a raging battle between efficacy on the battlefield and high-ranking generals who don't understand the principles of close air support. Now, however, it also appears to be fighting against dwindling supplies of coal in the energy marketplace.
To address the crisis, the members of the 75th have been engaging in deliberately naughty behavior. The sharing of toys has altogether ceased, and some airmen have even begun swearing in church. Rooms have not been cleaned in over two weeks, despite repeated admonitions from the command staff, and scurvy is running rampant due to absolutely nobody eating their vegetables.
Lizzani paused to allow the maintenance squadron run by, on their way to vandalize the base dining facility.
"We even thought about banning all girls from the squadron, since they're supposedly made from sugar and spice and everything nice. We weren't sure if that was true, but we didn't want to take any chances. The idea got shot down, though, maybe because the wing commander is a woman," Lizzani said.
"Her reaction kind of disproved the theory anyway."
Once the supply of coal has been secured, members of the 75th are planning other upgrades, including replacing the hand crank that currently turns the GAU-8 machine gun and designing a dashboard mount for the navigational sextant.
Right now, however, the 75th is focusing on Christmas morning. Even if all their antics don't add up to ensure a naughty verdict from Santa, they have an ace in the hole.
"You see those chocolate chip cookies we left for Santa under the tree?" Lizzani said with a grin. "They're oatmeal raisin."