A guide to breaking up with your deployed spouse

Being a military spouse has been called the toughest job in the military, mostly by people who haven’t done any other job in the military. Regardless, it’s always difficult to break up with your significant other while they’re deployed. But you don’t have to go it alone. We are here for you, with an easy to follow four-step process to make your next deployment divorce the smoothest one yet.

Step 1: Cheat on them

It’s totally unrealistic to expect you to go six months without having sex. We haven’t had a dry spell like that since we were eight years old! Luckily, this shouldn’t be too tough, provided you have a pulse and you live within a hundred miles of a military base. You can even leave your wedding ring on and some lonely Staff NCO still won’t hesitate to fuck you senseless. Semper Fidelis indeed!

Step 2: Empty their bank account

Since you’ll no longer be able to leech off that sweet, sweet E-3 pay, it’s imperative you find your own source of income. You are, we presume, an aspiring small businessperson specializing in multilevel marketing. However, your essential oil-infused Tupperware sales will never get off the ground without some serious capital up front. So go ahead and help yourself to every cent your spouse has saved up. Just like their rank, you’ve earned it.

Step 3: Ignore their calls

This step begins when your good-for-nothing spouse finally gets WiFi. They turn on their phone and the first things they see are an overdraft notification and a video of you performing a variety of sex acts with someone else. They’ll want to come crawling back with some weak explanation why they haven’t been in touch with you, something to the effect of “I was underway” or “I was in Afghanistan” or “What the fuck, I’ve only been gone for a week!” Stay strong and don’t give in. You’re almost done!

Step 4: Remarry

Okay, technically this comes after the breakup. But you can set it up before. No need to worry, sweetie, there are other fish in the sea. Relationships come and go, but the need to get out of the barracks is eternal. Find some malingerer from your spouse’s unit who managed to duck deployment and shack up with them. As soon as your divorce is finalized, head over to the courthouse to exchange vows. Make sure to cross your fingers, just in case.

Disclaimer: Don’t freak out if the four step process doesn’t work right away. In the words of Axl Rose, "All we need is just a little patience." Your spouse is probably planning on breaking up with you as soon as they get home.