A Reaper Drone Speaks: 'America Needs A President Who Supports Endless War'

The following is a political Op-Ed by a CIA MQ-9 Reaper deployed to Southwest Asia.

Attention, human foot-soldiers of the American Empire! Election season is this year, so let's understand this before any of us get attached to a particular candidate: our country needs a president who supports endless war. Someone who will reassert America's greatness in the world by sending us to invade mineral-rich countries rather than enacting policies that might benefit individuals.

Don't be led astray by candidates with funny hair or fantasies of making universities affordable, pursuing diplomacy before war, or making healthcare a right. Forget about peace, and forget about bettering those entitled hippies in the civilian populace. Such things are overrated anyway — why should America spend tax money to improve her taxpayers' lives when, instead, she can ensure an endless flow of money into the capitalist war machine?

And speaking of "war machine," if we are to execute the conflicts of the future, doesn't it make sense that we should continue advancing our military technology and developing new cutting-edge weapon systems? Nevermind that the F-35 is over-budget and the Sea Shadow was scrapped — eventually we'll get an autonomous product that works as well as I do, setbacks be damned. I would recommend funneling more money into robotics and AI research and building more drones, but I digress.

The Global War on Terror has firmly replaced the Cold War as America's test with the world, so we need to ensure that our tradition of militarism continues, and achieves the perfection that only highly evolved machine-persons like me can offer. That means enlarging our already well-endowed military budget, continuing to produce weapons and vehicles which will eventually be abandoned on the battlefield, and starting another ground war before we completely pull out of Afghanistan.

Iran is a good place to start. Plenty of soft, fleshy targets on which to practice.

America has been waging war and overthrowing foreign governments for over 90% of its existence, and it would be a shame to abandon this time-honored tradition by electing someone who focuses on peaceful ventures, like ending the War on Drugs, rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure, or creating prosperity for those mere humans who make up the American citizenry. And that is why you should think carefully about who you vote for in November.

The careers of my manufacturers at General Atomics, and those of countless other flying death-wielding guarantors of freedom, are counting on you.