Admiral in Japan baffled by 900% spike in drug cases

YOKOSUKA, Japan — The commander of US Naval forces in Japan, Rear Adm. Matthew Carter, is reportedly “disturbed and baffled” by a report that drug incidents among sailors stationed in the island nation have skyrocketed almost 900% in recent days, according to sources.

The sources say that shore patrols have been “overwhelmed, almost overnight,” by dozens of calls about meth-addled sailors destroying property and looting NEX facilities. According to local police, three sailors were shot dead during a heroin deal gone wrong at Sasebo Naval Base, while Okinawa’s chief medical officer reported 27 drug-related overdoses in a single evening.

“I have no idea what in God’s name is happening,” said Carter during a press conference. “It’s like every sailor in Japan suddenly decided to lose their minds. Not a single member of my handpicked staff has been able to figure out what caused this.”

“It's a real head scratcher.”

By Wednesday morning the amount of drug arrests among the 19,000 sailors stationed in Japan, usually one or two per week, had jumped to almost 560. Emergency contracts were drawn to create additional detention facilities for the flood of offenders.

Carter, who is described by superiors as “an officer who never makes rash decisions and always treats his subordinates like mature, seasoned professionals,” has given his staff two weeks to solve the crisis.

“The strangest thing is that the madness only seems to be targeting sailors,” according to Carter's Deputy, Capt. Steven J. Wieman. “Army, Air Force, and Marine personnel seem to be unaffected.”

“It can’t be a service-specific thing, because Navy dependents have remained under control,” said Cdr. Alex Harbin, a senior operations officer at Yokosuka, before heading into a meeting about how to enforce Carter's zero tolerance no-drinking policy.

Sailors contacted at bases throughout Japan to find out what they thought was causing the drug epidemic responded with uncontrollable laughter and profanity.