Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.2)

His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: Why can't we grow awesome beards and mustaches in combat? The Afghans will respect us, we won’t have as many weapons malfunctions or ambushes, and we’ll have awesome pictures of us looking bad-ass out at the COPs. What gives? --NEED A BEARD in Kabul, Afghanistan

DEAR NEED A BEARD: Besides being against AR 670-1, having a beard prevents you from getting a proper seal when using your gas mask. Now, I know you're saying, but Sarge, when's the last time we got gassed? Well shit-dick -- when's the last time the Afghans respected us? I don't make the rules, I just enforce the goddamn things.

As for the mustaches -- you can have one of those, but it needs to be neatly trimmed. I'm not exactly sure why the standards make you wear it like Hitler, but so be it. The keyword here is SITFU. If I have to explain it, then you don't rate pubic hair, never mind what's on your face.


DEAR TOP: What was it like in Vietnam? Was it similar to Afghanistan? -- INTERESTED IN HISTORY in Fort Knox, Kentucky

DEAR INTERESTED IN HISTORY: What was it like in Vietnam? Well, hell, where do I start? It was hotter than a goddamn whore house on nickel night. There were fuckers jumping out at you with black pajamas and AK-47s. It rained so damn much it was like God taking a long piss after drinking all day.

Are there paralells? Well -- yeah we're still killing motherfucking bad guys. There's a similarity. They still use AK's but speak another language that I don't give a shit to learn. Anyway, that's all I really have to say about that. If you want to learn more about the similarities, get your ass on a deployment to that shit-hole, then check out a book about 'Nam and read the fuck up.


Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously -- whatever it is -- to and it may be answered next week!