"Ask Top" is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.

His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: I'm new to the infantry and my battle buddies told me that CLP is awesome for flogging the dolphin. It does say lubricant in the name, so I think it might be legit, but wanted to get a second opinion from someone who has been in for a while. -HAND SOLO at Joint Base Lewis-Chord, Washington

DEAR HAND SOLO: Why is one of my goddamn soldiers out there jerking off like a sad son of bitch? You should be out there on the town banging chicks so fast you shouldn't even have the time to pull your pants up. When I was a young soldier back in '66, pussy was practically being thrown at my face! Even protest hippie chicks were down for it.