CORONADO, CA — U.S. Navy pilot Lt. Nick Reynolds will soon be awarded the Navy Achievement Medal (NAM), after successfully firing a missile on a friendly F-18 fighter jet during live-fire training, officials said.
Lt. (Junior grade) Alan Dawkins has been sent to the hospital after narrowly surviving the Mar. 29 attack on his aircraft.
Recalling the incident, Lt. Reynolds said the realization set in just seconds after he fired upon his shipmate, telling reporters, “there was a split second of panic on my part, but then I started getting incongruous messages over the radio. I kept hearing things in my headset like ‘did Dawkins’ plane just blow up? One of you lucky bastards is getting a medal for this,’ and ‘well he owed me money, but I guess I could eat a hundred bucks for that view … ’”
Reynolds has consistently claimed the incident was a mistake, but squad mates continue to refer to his accident as a “not-so-negligent discharge,” usually accompanied by smiles, winks, and friendly elbow jabs.
“Dawkins was the biggest doucher I know,” said an anonymous source in the unit. “I’m glad he survived and all, but boy, did he ever deserve to get knocked down a peg or two.”
Upon further investigation of the victim, Duffel Blog uncovered countless stories of the junior lieutenant hitting on his co-workers’ spouses, engaging in uncalled-for and mean-spirited pranks, watching pornography on the Commanding Officer’s work computer, and one particularly flagrant case in which he was caught wearing a Tapout shirt.
Reynolds initially feared his career was over when he was called to the CO’s office. Instead, he entered the room to a standing ovation by senior staff and officers, and was shown the write-up for his meritorious promotion to Lieutenant Commander.
“I sent a man to the hospital, wrecked a multi-million dollar fighter jet, and blew an entire week of training ops," Reynolds said, amid cheers and laughter as champagne was brought out. "To say I’m surprised to see this happen is the understatement of my life. I’m very much honored."
According to Stephen Bonnell Jr., the curator of the National Naval Aviation Museum, blue-on-blue contact has not been well received in the military community — and this will be the first recorded incident ever in which the aggressor has been rewarded.
“You may not believe it,” he said while guiding a museum tour, “but friendly fire is generally quite frowned upon in the armed forces, even the Army. The only other time in American History a specific incident was well-received was back in the 1863, when General ‘Stonewall’ Jackson was shot off his horse by one of his own soldiers. The North attempted to give the Confederate shooter several medals, considering he removed an enemy tactical genius. But somewhere along the line the paperwork went FUBAR, and then the admin clerk with the write-up died of typhoid.”
Dawkins is currently in stable condition after the incident, but is not allowed any guests after multiple visitors were heard muttering about “finishing the job.”