Afghan Amusement Park Lasts Almost 13 Hours

KABUL — Christmas came early to Afghanistan’s capital city this week, as the war-weary local populace enjoyed the opening of the City Park amusement center. The park lasted an unprecedented 13 hours before being ripped apart by a wave of violence, including Taliban suicide bombers and a subsequent three-day battle that wiped out the remaining die-hard insurgents, along with all the good rides.

“It was truly a wonderful experience. My family enjoyed the chance to forget about the bullets and bombs for the afternoon,” said Mohammed Abdul Kasim, a bicycle repair shop owner who lost two of his wives and three children in the ensuing violence.

The Pirates of the Horn Of Africa ride was unharmed, sources said.

For a nation that traditionally discourages western pop-culture icons, the park’s greatest attractions for the youngest visitors were Mickey and Minnie Mouse look-a-likes, lovable cartoon characters who offered hugs and candy to the children in City Park until they were captured and subsequently beheaded for idolatry after the attack.

Another resident, Hasan Nadir Walid, was still supportive of the park despite the violence.

“I particularly enjoyed the chai-cup ride. My children were able to go three times in a row before the assault began. I just wish we could have purchased a churro before the cart was destroyed by an RPG,” Walid said, from his hospital bed in Kabul.

Hamid Karzai, whose political rivals own the amusement park, decried the enterprise, stating that the attack was a direct response to the American encroachment on traditional Muslim values, and encouraged the local population to instead attend his own Koranic based fantasyland opening in two weeks on the site of the now destroyed City Park.

A NATO spokesman later released a statement touting the success of the park, saying, “This was a groundbreaking step that truly highlights the gains we’ve made in this war. Last week we hosted a volleyball tournament and didn’t get past the first set before the bombs went off. Now we’re finally closing in on our goal of an entire day without a violent attack."

"This is just one more example of the kind of progress 14 years of persistent conflict has achieved," the spokesman added.