Afghan Army Soldier Attacks US Troops, Fails Miserably

FOB APACHE, AFGHANISTAN - NATO reported that around 1830 local time in Zabul Province, an Afghan Army soldier walked into a crowded chow hall and opened fire on U.S. troops inside. Major Phillip Patrick, a spokesperson for ISAF Regional Command South, told the Duffel Blog over a phone interview that no troops were injured in the attack.

"It’s truly remarkable; we’ve been really pushing for the training of these Afghan Army soldiers. RC South has poured an incredible amount of time and effort into making sure that these Afghanis have the proper military training and know how to fight the Taliban. For one of them to walk in a crowded DFAC and open fire and not hit anything is just a slap in the face."

SGT Joshua Simpson, a team leader with an infantry company under 1st Brigade Combat Team of 25th Infantry Division, described the scene in shocking detail.

"I was just coming off a foot patrol and was glad to sit down and enjoy a nice plate of… well… something. I’m not really sure what it was, it was some kind of meat I guess. That’s not the point. Anyways, this guy comes in with his AK-47 and yells something like 'King Kong ain’t got shit on me!' and starts spraying wildly over his head.

Everyone dropped to the floor but I don’t think it would have mattered if we had just finished our meals. The only thing he hit was the flags hanging from the ceiling. After he wasted all of his ammo in about five seconds he couldn’t get his other magazine out of his pocket because there was duct tape on it for some reason. Two guys from Bravo Company took the opportunity and tackled him. It looked like he tried to tickle fight them once they had him pinned down."

Sergeant First Class Thomas Barnes is tasked out to ISAF RC South to train the Afghan army. When told about the incident at the FOB Apache DFAC, SFC Barnes described what kind of recruits he usually saw.

"You know, I think I remember that guy. We took the ANA guys out to the range one day and there was this one guy who kept shooting over his head like it was a video game. We kept yelling at him and telling him he wasn’t going to hit anything like that. I guess it turned about to be a good thing that he wouldn’t pay attention. Mostly these Afghans like to learn cool one liner's from old movies. I'm pretty sure one of my guys taught him that line from Training Day. If only they'd take marksmanship as seriously."