KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – In a move sure to go unnoticed by basically everyone, U.S. Army Gen. John Indifference took the reins of NATO’s International Security Assistance Force from Marine Corps Gen. Joseph Dunford in a change of command ceremony this morning.
“I’d like to say it’s an honor, but the truth is I could generally give a shit,” the generally indifferent Gen. Indifference told an audience of bored but nodding military elites. “Generally speaking, I'd say none of this will matter much when we're all dead in another hundred years or so anyway."
The apathetic leader's appointment follows a quiet fall from grace for predecessor Dunford, who sources say was thought to be generally too motivated for the task at hand; this summer, Dunford sparked controversy with the Pentagon by constantly spouting off in the media about mission success, hope for Afghanistan’s future, and all kinds of other silly shit.
“We’ve got a lot of work to do still, but lets not set the bar too high,” Indifference said, signaling his clearer alignment with Washington's strategic intent. At a press conference following the change of command, the general spoke more specifically on the upcoming Coalition retrograde, the enduring threat of violent groups in the region, and, crucially, the April elections that will replace Afghan president Hamid Karzai. In closing, he reiterated that he actually doesn’t give a fuck about any of that.
Probably doesn't matter what's going on here.
"We're pretty sure one side or the other already has this thing in the bag," said Indifference spokesperson Maj. Lee Incompetent.
While this will be Indifference's first turn in the spotlight, he is no stranger to the Afghan mission. According to top NATO officials, Indifference has been hard at work behind the scenes in Kabul for years, almost single-handedly masterminding the Coalition’s strategy from roughly 2002 to 2009.
It’s perhaps this breadth of experience that has the 70,000-some troops still in theater singing the new commander’s praises.
“General Indifference is that rare senior officer who seems like he really gets me,” said some sergeant in the middle of some province no one’s ever heard of. “If I knew I weren't mistaken, I’d say for sure we had worked together in the past.”
At the White House, President Barack Obama also hailed Indifference as the right man for the job at the right time and, at long last, a leader who adequately embodies America’s attitude towards war-torn Afghanistan.
“Frankly, I can think of no one better to lead our nation to victory,” the president said. “Or, you know, defeat … whatever winds up shaking out over there.”