Afghanistan becomes pregnant with new trillion-dollar baby after US refuses to pull out

KABUL — Just a couple years before America’s war in Afghanistan would turn 18 and leave home for good, the Kabul government has confirmed it is pregnant again with another trillion-dollar baby American war.

“Yes, things are hot and sticky over there,” said Gen. Dunford, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “And yes, this was unplanned. But like a good dead beat father, we will assume responsibility for raising this war by paying it no attention and lavishing it with thoughtless gifts of cash, weapons, and training, which we all know will go straight to waste.”

Still, the unexpected pregnancy has many reeling, as critics have pointed out issues with the strategy for raising Afghanistan and Uncle Sam's current teenager.

"That 16-year-old war spends most of his time holed up in his room listening to Coldplay, touching himself, and smoking hashish," said Albert Smith, an analyst with the Rand Corporation and amateur obstetrician. "I don’t know see how this next war will turn out any differently.”

Uncle Sam’s special affinity for cream pies appears to have gotten him what some are calling “just desserts.”

“You can’t just start a war and then leave it on the street to die,” said Abu Musab Zarwaqandi, a self-made Afghan millionaire and successful Afghan Army Commander that made his fortune selling American donated weapons to Taliban fighters for 16 years. “You have to take responsibility for your actions.”

A NATO spokesman told reporter that should “the United States refuse to raise this war, it will be obligated to pay child support and alimony for the next 18 years.”

Regardless, officials say the US will have to foot the bill for the entire cost of raising the war, and will only be afforded weekend visitation rights to conduct night raids on senior Taliban leader compounds.