The following is an op-ed written by a member of the US Army currently deployed to the southern part of Helmand, Afghanistan.

Oh great! I thought as the lieutenant dropped four huge boxes by the front hatch of our Quonset hut. Finally, some goddamn fresh Cope and maybe a Hustler. This wasn’t the first time we’d gotten care packages from the States; hell, we’ve been here for eight months now.

Problem is though, 95% of the stuff we get is horse shit we don’t need. Sure enough, as the flaps are torn open, it’s the St. Stephen’s fuckin’ Catholic Church emporium of hand sanitizer, socks, raisins and Sports Illustrated.

God almighty, I can just picture 200-year-old Ethel with her blue hair and stink-ass White Diamonds perfume, idling down the road in her ’88 Buick Le Sabre, fawning over how much “the boys will get a kick out of these packages.”