KANDAHAR – The United States Air Force was forced to issue a formal apology for the offense caused by the parachuting of hundreds of Christmas hams onto assorted Pashtun tribes in the Hindu Kush, sources confirmed today.

“The 173rd Airlift Wing accepts full responsibility for this misguided effort to win hearts and minds in the wild, Taliban-controlled areas of Afghanistan,” explained Wing Commander Col. George Armer, speaking from his headquarters at Kandahar Air Base.

In an attempt to show the benevolence and generosity of the United States, Armer said, approximately 750 ornately decorated and honey-glazed hams were dropped at great expense into villages deemed "tactically significant."

“Despite the assurances of my trustworthy Afghani counterpart and the friendly neighborhood sponsorship of Heavenly Hams™, the subsequent outburst of violence has proven my initial hypothesis incorrect," said Col. Armer, who visibly flinched as a large explosion nearby shook the conference room.

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