Afghanistan refuses to breakup with US

KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite America’s best efforts to leave Afghanistan, the central Asian country refuses to accept the breakup. Afghanistan responded to the latest attempt by texting, “Oh no you didn’t.”

America’s social media relationship status with Afghanistan has long been listed as “It's complicated.’ The open relationship involves a lot of financial support for Afghanistan’s lifestyle, corruption, and a rotation series of nations that continually play around with Afghanistan’s borders and zones These paramours are mostly European, but occasionally other exotic nations—depending on Afghanistan's needs.

The relationship has been a roller coaster of promises, failures, small successes, and disappointments. America has long tried to leave but seems unable to quit its longest war.

Afghanistan has told friends, “I thought this was supposed to be forever. You’re still in Germany, Japan, and South Korea. Why can’t you stay inside me?”

America declined to be interviewed but did tweet that it was happy about its time with Afghanistan, but that its needs had evolved.

“It is totally you and not me, Afghanistan,” the tweet said. “We had some great times and slayed tons of [removed] together, but we have grown apart. You’re not giving me anything, you’re just taking. The pills the docs gave me didn’t protect me from all the diseases you had. You have completely let yourself go and you stink of goats. I am deleting you from my Snapchat, Intsa, FB, Grinder, and will no longer be sharing my Netflix account. Never call again you clingy crazy [removed].”

Friends say Afghanistan keyed “War Slut” and “Cheater” onto the door and hood of America’s car after reading the tweet.

Custody of the Army and Marine Corps is already being discussed. Tentatively, Afghanistan will receive visitation rights one weekend a month, two weeks a year.

Paul J. O’Leary, Paul Silk, and Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to reporting.