PRIDE LANDS, Africa — General David M. Rodriguez, commander of US Africa Command (AFRICOM), died yesterday afternoon, trampled to death in a freak wildebeest stampede, Duffel Blog has learned.
“It’s all my fault,” sobbed 2nd Lt. Simon Imba. “I was always wandering off and getting lost, and the General would always come get me. If I hadn't been dicking around in that gorge, he would never have fallen in and been killed by those fucking wildebeests. I just don’t think I’m fit to lead anyone.”
Rodriguez's death appears to have followed his attempt to locate Imba, who had been doing land navigation and got lost in a draw. Other members of the staff say Imba's dismal situation awareness and inability to perform the most basic soldier tasks was well-established.
“That Lt. Imba is always getting himself into trouble,” scowled Command Sgt. Maj. Samuel Carr. “There simply aren’t any officers prepared to take charge now that the General is gone. So the day-to-day responsibility of running this command now falls to me.”
Earlier in the week, Imba had been exploring an off-limits Humvee boneyard when he was accosted by a gang of specialists. The junior soldiers had almost convinced the freshly-minted officer to start collecting exhaust samples when the General arrived, causing the specialists to scatter.
Shortly after the deadly stampede, the General’s body was located by his pet monkey, Rafiki. According to Army investigators, Rafiki also made a series of gestures and shrieking sounds to indicate the possibility of foul play in the General’s death. When pressed for more information, however, he defecated on the floor and tugged vigorously at his genitals because he’s a monkey.
According to emails received by his mother, Lt. Imba plans to leave the Pride Lands until he can “sort some shit out.” A local gay couple have invited him to live with them and learn the importance of living in the present and worrying less.
“The leadership vacuum is a problem, and I don’t think Carr is going to do a very good job,” Lt. Col. Natalie Yala told Duffel Blog. “Obviously I can’t be in charge because I’m a woman. So hopefully Lt. Imba gets back to us soon. I’ve heard that taking a bunch of hallucinogens so you can get leadership advice from a dead guy in a puddle really helps.”
In the absence of leadership, the officer’s mess and general staff billeting have been opened to all enlisted soldiers. Cackling, unwashed packs of privates have been traipsing across the once-immaculate golf course, and a gang of NCOs has already converted the General’s quarters into a sports bar.