WRIGHT PATTERSON AFB, OH – The home of the Air Force Materiel Center headquarters was not surprised this week when a jury acquitted Staff Sergeant Larry Lions and Technical Sergeant Jeff Gates of assaulting Staff Sergeant Michael Duffy for being one of the most obnoxious basketball players in the entire world.

Senior Airman James Bates, a frequent player of the lunchtime basketball pick-up games at the Wright Field Fitness Center, described the situation: “It was totally justified. Mike [Duffy] had it coming for a while. Honestly, I’m surprised that it took someone this long to kick his ass.”

According to multiple sources, Duffy was an exceptionally good basketball player, and never let anyone forget it.

“Look, when you score a basket, you’re supposed to turn away and immediately set up for the return drive. You know, play it cool, like it was nothing, because you’re just that good. You make this face –” Airman Bates says, looking off at the horizon, a hint of pout in his lips, giving hi…