WRIGHT PATTERSON AFB, OH – The home of the Air Force Materiel Center headquarters was not surprised this week when a jury acquitted Staff Sergeant Larry Lions and Technical Sergeant Jeff Gates of assaulting Staff Sergeant Michael Duffy for being one of the most obnoxious basketball players in the entire world.

Senior Airman James Bates, a frequent player of the lunchtime basketball pick-up games at the Wright Field Fitness Center, described the situation: “It was totally justified. Mike [Duffy] had it coming for a while. Honestly, I’m surprised that it took someone this long to kick his ass.”

According to multiple sources, Duffy was an exceptionally good basketball player, and never let anyone forget it.

“Look, when you score a basket, you’re supposed to turn away and immediately set up for the return drive. You know, play it cool, like it was nothing, because you’re just that good. You make this face –” Airman Bates says, looking off at the horizon, a hint of pout in his lips, giving his best male-model-unaware-he’s-being-photographed look. “But Mike didn’t do that. Instead he would scream and wave his hands in the air like he’d just won America’s Next Top Model or some shit. Who the fuck does that?”

“He’d groin-thrust the ball sometimes after he scored a point, yelling ‘You’re my bitch, ball!’” Staff Sergeant Bob Bello elaborated. “The game would stop and we’d have to stand there and wait for him to get it out of his system. He did that a lot.”

Another airman also recounted several instances where Duffy dry-humped him when he was trying to pass the ball. Other players accused Duffy of waving his hands in front of opposing players’ faces while declaring that “he was not touching them,” as well as exposing his genitals during free-throw attempts, licking the basketball, yelling “Here comes the Duffman”, singing that horrible Celine Dion song from Titanic during an opposing team’s drive, kicking players in the shins, strategically farting, and, during one game, admitting to sleeping with an opposing player’s wife in the last two minutes of playtime.

When asked why the basketball group continued to allow Duffy to play with them, Airman Bates admitted, “God help us, he’s a great basketball player; usually scores more points in a game than everyone else combined. Most of us want to win more than we care about him constantly rubbing his junk on the ball. He’s like a super hot but crazy girlfriend who you just can’t bring yourself to dump.”

“Most of us” did not include Sergeants Lions and Gates, who were tried for beating Duffy with a pillow case filled with soap bars two months ago as he took a post-game shower in the gym locker room, an assault that’s often referred to as a “Code Red”.

Defense attorney Captain Janelle Williams represented Lions and Gates in the trial and summarized the case, “Some jurors were actually in tears when they heard what my clients had to endure on the court. When we revealed that Duffy also frequently violated the sacred man-rule of not talking while using the urinal, there was no question that my clients would be acquitted.”

Despite the wide-spread hatred of Duffy, at least one airman, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed hope that Duffy would recover soon and start playing again. “Intramurals are coming up, and my team hasn’t made the playoffs in three years! I fucking hate that guy, but he can play some serious ball.”