Air Force deploys precision-guided Covid-19 vaccine delivery system

The GBU-99 Joint Direct Vaccination Munition (JDVM) Mark I uses GPS programming.

“Our studies show the collateral damage will be pretty minimal,” said Army Gen. Gustave F. Perna, chief operating officer of Operation War Speed. (Photo: Department of Defense)

By W.E. Linde

DYESS AIR FORCE BASE, Texas — As part of President Donald Trump’s directive to the military to assist in the distribution of a Covid-19 vaccine, the Air Force announced today it was deploying a newly developed ‘precision-guided vaccine delivery system’ that could potentially vaccinate dozens of people at a time.

“The GBU-99 Joint Direct Vaccination Munition (JDVM) Mark I uses GPS programming to close with and vaccinate the target recipients and can be dropped as far away as 12 miles,” said Army Gen. Gustave F. Perna, chief operating officer of Operation Warp Speed and future board member of Pfizer-General Dynamics, the joint venture formed to develop the system. “The Air Force’s B-1B Lancer will carry up to 24 JDVMs at once.”

“This blend of direct action and humanitarian assistance is a perfect mission for the Air Force,” said Gen. Barry Williams, commander of the newly established 555th Air Vaccination Command (Provisional). “By simply fitting a modified military-grade syringe with a GPS guidance kit, we’ll be able to pacify dozens of potential coronavirus hosts with a single sortie.” 

Despite the enthusiasm many have for the program, the JDVM is not without its critics. Some question the cost of the JDVM program, as each kit costs $18,000 just to deliver a single vaccination to one person. Others in Congress question whether effective “rules of vaccination engagement” have been established.

The system is guided by global positioning satellites, which are accurate to within a few feet. Officials are confident it will pacify dozens of potential coronavirus hosts in a single Covid-19 vaccine bombing run.

Pentagon officials acknowledged this had been a problem during testing of the JDVM over the summer.

“There was the regrettable incident along the Afghan-Pakistan border,” admitted Maj. Peter Callahan, a Pentagon spokesman, “where the pilot of a medically-modified F-16 fighter thought he was vaccinating friendlies in the area but accidentally vaccinated a large wedding party just over the border in Waziristan.”

“We’ve apologized for the incident, but at least we vaccinated the hell out of that wedding,” he added.

In addition, concerns about possible side effects of the vaccine, such as dizziness, nausea, rash, concussions, and traumatic puncturing of vital organs, have been amplified by domestic “anti-vax” activists. 

“We cannot tolerate this unregulated use of weapons of mass vaccination,” said Karen McKaren, a member of NoBrain, a Washington-based anti-vaccine organization.

“Whether it’s this new COVID vaccine, or one for the flu or the measles, nearly every proposed ‘cure’ is known to potentially impale an unsuspecting person at speeds upwards of 200 mph.”

Despite concerns, the Food and Drug Administration has given emergency approval to roll out the JDVM. And the Air Force — recognizing the fight against Covid-19 will likely continue through most of 2021, has already requisitioned the next generation JDVM. 

“The Mark II cluster needle system is very exciting,” said Williams. “Since it will allow for wide-area ‘carpet vaccinating,’ which will be a real game-changer.”

In addition to Air Force initiatives, the Marine Corps expects to field the Mk 2 .50-caliber syringe sometime early next year. Marine officials say it performs especially well in urban environments and can potentially expedite vaccinations from as far away as half a mile.


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Navy SEAL leaks true meaning of Christmas in new tell-all carol

By Blondes Over Baghdad on Dec. 25, 2016

CORONADO, Calif. — A firsthand account of a top-secret operation revealing the true meaning of Christmas has been leaked in a bestselling tell-all carol written by a member of the elite Navy SEALs.

“Officially, we’re denying the allegations in the carol,” said Naval Special Warfare Development Group spokesman Allen Price. “Information found in the carol is classified and was improperly cleared. No matter how affirming or heart-warming this story may be, if you’re singing it outside a SCIF, you’ll be investigated.”

The mission, classified under the name Operation Sleigher, destroyed a cell of ISIS fighters, made Christmas merry for all Americans, and made the SEALs involved look amazing, the carol reveals.

“No shit. There I was. Up on the housetop,” began Lt. Seth Andrews, Operation Sleigher commander and author of the tell-all carol. “It was the 11th day of Christmas, and we had orders to end the mission on the 12th day. The pressure was on, and I knew I needed to push through and save Christmas. That ISIS ass-kicking came upon a midnight clear and didn’t stop.”

Every good SEAL tell-all has a good ghostwriter, but rumors abound that the carol had three: the Ghostwriter of Christmas Past, the Ghostwriter of Christmas Present, and the Ghostwriter of Christmas Future.

The following clip was released during a star-studded press conference announcing the carol:

Don we now our tac apparel,

 fa la la, fa la la, sat phones, too.

Bomb the souk and clear the stairwell

Fa la la la ISIS, la fuck you

“Christmas, like being a SEAL, can’t be bought,” continued Andrews. “It’s a state of mind — a practice of excellence. After listening to this carol, you’ll be better at Christmas — and life.”

Paramount has optioned the carol for $1.2 million, $8 of which will be given to the Special Forces Warrior Foundation on a large check, which Andrews will pose next to.

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