CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — While conducting training at the Camp Lejeune M.O.U.T. (Military Operations in Urban Terrain) town over the weekend, the Marines of 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment were surprised to find the simulated-Middle Eastern village occupied by Air Force hipsters.

The first squad to infiltrate the town square reported seeing a horde of men in skinny capris and conflict-free fabrics riding around on Lime scooters, drinking ethically sourced artisanal Soy Chai lattes and perusing the latest from McSweeney’s on their iPhone 11s.

“I kick in a door expecting to see OPFOR, but it turns out to be a craft microbrewery with an escape room and an ax-throwing range in the back, only with nobody who looked like they would be good at throwing axes,” recounted point man, Lance Cpl. Mike Jefferson. “I accidentally shot one of them in the neck with a sim round, so he had his dad sue me and then doxxed me on the internet."