THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Air Force announced a new program Monday for keeping troops safe off the battlefield, and it's already being hailed as so innovative, other services are taking notice.

In a press conference at the Pentagon, acting Air Force Secretary Eric Fanning unveiled the first inter-service safety campaign, officially known as Senior Trainers Upholding Personnel Integrity Declarations. Unofficially, the campaign has aquired another moniker among troops: Don't Be a Dumbass.

"At the end of the day, me and some other service heads were comparing notes on discipline and criminal trends across our respective forces," Fanning told reporters. "We saw a lot of similarities, and eventually asked ourselves: has anyone just told these kids not to do this stuff?"

Details of the plan include specific instructions for having all members of a unit assemble in a group 'formation' just minutes before being released for a weekend or holiday, claiming that impatience to leave work will contribute to the listener's focus on the safety briefing. Profane, uneducated, slur-filled rants by senior enlisted members will then follow, threatening physical violence, legal action, and all manner of reprisals for violation of the posted regulations. The briefing will then close with a softhearted plea to 'not be a dumbass.'