Airborne urges Pentagon to defund MP Corps

FORT BRAGG, NC – In the wake of nationwide protests, many Airborne Infantry soldiers are now calling on the Pentagon to defund the Military Police Corps. Citing bias against paratroopers in military police enforcement actions, the airborne are calling for a top-to-bottom overhaul of the MPs.

“It’s a systemic problem,” said SSG Timmy Nash, a squad leader with 1st Battalion, 325th Airborne Infantry Regiment. “I can’t tell you the number of times my soldiers have been hauled into the Provost Marshal’s Office for alleged thefts of wine, while some leg just walks away untouched after stealing whiskey. You don’t call that disparity?”

A review of military police records Army-wide revealed Airborne soldiers are 67 percent more likely to be arrested for wine thefts than non-airborne soldiers in the same jurisdiction.

Sources suggest non-airborne soldiers, also known colloquially as “legs,” frequently escape detention and arrest despite being located in the same immediate vicinity. Oftentimes just meters away, behind a nearby tree.

Capt. Declan McKinney, a spokesperson for the Military Police Corps, spoke bluntly about the matter.

“Maybe they should stop making excuses and just buy the wine,” McKinney said. “It’s always the same story with those airborne types – we catch them running from the Class 6 store and they claim all they were doing was ‘the double time.’”

While many activists within the airborne community acknowledge disbanding the MP Corps will make it virtually impossible to spell “wimp,” they feel it is an acceptable risk to benefit the greater good.

Protests at various airborne infantry posts continued through the weekend but saw a notable lull on Sunday morning. Sources close to the Airborne suggest this was due to widespread hangovers rather than a reduction in political tensions.