Airman Standing Guard At Florida Middle School In Stable Condition After Bullying, Assault

FT WALTON BEACH, FL - Active-duty Airman 1st Class David H Teague was admitted to White-Wilson Medical Center today after alleged bullying and assault by four 8th-grade students.

Inspired by the heroics of Marine Sgt. Craig Pusley, who he said "looked really badass standing by that flag pole," Teague decided to take matters into his own hands and sit down in a borrowed office chair in front of his alma mater, Max Bruner Junior Middle School.

However, less than an hour after the first bell sounded, Teague's moment of glory turned into a nightmare.

"I took a break after 50 minutes and went to the soda machine," Teague explained. "But when I was counting out change to buy my Code Red [Mountain Dew], someone approached me from behind and slapped my hand from below, and change flew everywhere."

When Teague turned around to see who had so rudely slapped him, he was shocked to see a group of four menacing 8th-grade students sneering at him.

"I explained to this kid that it is not polite to knock things out of people's hands, and that's when he slapped me across the face."

Teague, thinking back to his six weeks of basic training at Lackland Air Force Base, sprang into action.

"I flattened out my right hand into sort of a knife, then I cocked my arm back and slammed it into my back pocket and grasped my wallet very firmly. Then I pulled the wallet straight up, out of the pocket. Then I moved my upper arm down and paralell to my body with my forearm at a right angle. You do it like that so you can meet your support hand in front of your chest quickly, you see," said Teague, demonstrating the movement for Duffel Blog reporters. "Once I had the wallet in both hands, I removed my blue stress card, held it so that the assailant could read it and extended it out. I told him that he must cease all stress inducing activity until such time as I feel that I can continue."

Unfortunately for Teague, the 13 and 14-year old students responded with violence.

"They just laughed at me," he later explained. "The one in front, he started it. He punched my name tag real hard so the pins pushed through the frogs and stabbed me in the chest. Then his friend pulled the back of my underwear up over my head."

Teague is currently being treated for minor cuts to his face and excessive sewage water consumption, after being held upside down over a toilet in the boy's bathroom.

Following the incident, the school principal has launched an investigation and stated that the school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying and violence.

The alleged perpetrators are currently at large in 4th period.