Desperate Airmen Crowd 'How To Pick Up Women' Classes

SAN ANTONIO, TX - On the heels of what military officials are calling a series of "crash and burn" attempts by Airmen to hit on women at local bars, the Air Force is offering all personnel E-1 through E-6 a free course in the art of picking up women.

The course, titled "Aim Higher: How to Score 10s by Upping Your Game," is a six-week program in which aspiring pickup artists learn the art of seduction. It is provided by the Air Force Services Agency (AFSVA) at several stateside and overseas military installations.

"We've always known the importance of teaching our young Airmen how to succeed on the flight line," said AFSVA spokesperson Martha Fischer. "Where we haven't done such a great job is teaching them how to succeed after hours, out in the shark-infested dating pool."

"Aim Higher" courses cover the basics of pickup art, such as approaching HBs (Hot Babes), scanning women for indicators of interest (IOIs), and making light physical contact (also known as "kino", short for kinesthetics).

The course was designed by seasoned pickup artists, including "Mystery," famous for his role in VH1's The Pickup Artist reality show. For his efforts, Air Force officials gave Mystery a thank-you tour of Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, TX.

Air Force brass later issued a public apology for bringing Mystery on base, as 1/10th of the base's female population contracted genital warts in the wake of his visit.

"This course is vital," says Fischer, "especially when you consider that our Airmen are on joint bases and have to compete with Marines. Those Jarheads are absolute pussy magnets [sic]. We have to give our boys the tools to succeed in that competitive environment."

Dwayne "Dog Fight" Davidson is an "Aim Higher" instructor at Lackland Air Force Base. On a recent Friday night, he taught a classroom of Airmen the importance of jazzing up their jobs.

"You," Dog Fight said, pointing to a student. "What do you do for a living?"

"I hook up refueling lines to F-15s," the student said.

"Ennnh," said Dog Fight, imitating a "wrong" buzzer. "You 'provide security to F-15s being refueled under combat conditions.' 'Hooking up a refueling line' might get you a hand job in a Chili's parking lot, but 'providing security to jets in combat' will get you doing the forward leaning rest on a queen-size mattress."

Martha Fischer recounted the story of a recent girls night out she had, further stressing the importance of the classes.

"Some A1C came up to me and asked me if I wanted to 'light his afterburner.' Then he said, 'Hey baby, do you want to attend a private GI party–in my pants?' And when I rolled my eyes, he said, 'Hey, it's not like I'm a short-timer, if you know what I mean.'"

"Pathetic," Fischer said. "I thought about giving [the A1C] a pity screw, but I went home with some alpha-male type instead."

Air Force officials say that the class's techniques are designed to work with all kinds of girls Airmen are likely to meet, including townies, HUA rats, cougars, and "dependapotami" with deployed husbands.