Al-Baghdadi blows himself up in ISIS VA parking lot

SYRIA — After being denied care for serious mental health issues at his local ISIS VA hospital, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi walked out to the parking lot and detonated an explosive vest.

“He was paranoid that armed men in black helicopters were coming to take him away,” said ISIS psychologist Dr. Ramul Omar. “Which in retrospect was absolutely true, and we made a huge mistake by not believing him.”

Records indicate that al-Baghdadi’s mental illness is directly connected to his service during the invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq.

"While everyone responds differently to experiences in war," says Omar, "it's an understatement that al-Baghdadi's reaction was uniquely violent and extreme, so we probably should have seen this coming."

Al-Baghdadi's friends, shattered by the incident, are still picking up the pieces. All the pieces.

“I’m disgusted,” says Abdullah Qardash, al-Baghdadi’s closest companion and likely successor. “The ISIS Department of Virgins Affairs seems to be handling the loss of this veteran with the same level of indifference you would expect from the infidel US Department of Veterans Affairs.”