AL JANNAH (Heaven) — Earlier this week, former ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he has obtained more virgins in the afterlife than fellow afterlifer Jeffery Epstein. The announcement came through a psychic medium currently employed by ISIS.

Al-Baghdadi, who allegedly committed suicide during a U.S. raid on his location, says he killed himself just in the nick of time. "Just a few more seconds and I would have been shot by U.S. forces, or mobbed by a dog," said his psychic medium with glowing white eyes. "Then, who knows how many virgins I would have. 72? 12? maybe even none."

Jeffrey Epstein, who has yet to make contact with a psychic medium, reportedly has zero virgins.

"It's because of his faith," said al-Baghdadi. "Fortunately, because of the damage he inflicted on the west, we were able to get him in here anyways. But he won't be getting any virgins as a result."

Al-Baghdadi insists that he is not in competition with Epstein, he's just pointing out an unfortunate reality that Epstein must now confront. He also added that "Epstein got his share while he was on earth, so I don't feel too bad."

U.S. forces continue to hunt for the psychic medium in Syria, as further influence from al-Baghdadi could prove as a catalyst for a resurgence of ISIS. Al-Baghdadi, on the other hand, insists he will be too busy with his virgins to waste any more effort on the caliphate, which he called "useless and hot."