Al Qaeda Comeback Tour Will ‘Blow Audiences Away’

PAKISTAN – The pretentious vale of Little Berkeley is buzzing with excitement as locals whisper of the much-anticipated return of the extremist group, al Qaeda. The group broke through to the American public in late-2001 with the smash hit, “The Twin Towers,” but lost much traction over the past few years and has desperately struggled to maintain relevancy.

“Listen, I’m not proud of this. None of us are. But we recently did a Cash 4 Gold commercial alongside MC Hammer just to pay last month’s overhead,” divulged AQ financier Mohammed Gul Ibrahim.

Much like hipsters found in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, al Qaeda members sport long beards and wear clothes no other people would wear without feeling like “total douchebags,” according to one analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies. Gallup polls revealed that 97 percent of Americans would rather “hang out with Dennis Rodman than be seen in public with some mangy degenerate in a keffiyeh.”

While al Qaeda's latest release, "Skirmishes," fizzled in Iraq and Afghanistan, it was met with mild success in Southeast Asia, and in particular, the Philippines. Despite the rut, the group has maintained an underground following of rabidly die-hard fans.

"I've been an AQ fan since Kenya, way before they went mainstream with that 9/11 shit," snipped Sayid al-Shawarma. "But truthfully, things haven't been the same since frontman UBL passed.”

Added another devotee: “I'm sick of all these AQ cover groups popping up all over the place. And don't even get me started on Syria. WMDs are SO Saddam [Hussein]."

A senior al Qaeda executive gave the inside scoop on an aggressive marketing campaign that will begin in the weeks preceding the group's return. The seven-part series of viral videos will be released by trusted couriers and only compatible with [Apple’s] QuickTime Media Player. A sneak preview depicted the brutal beheading of a Westerner filmed on location in an undisclosed cave.

"We tried to really reach out with our magazine, Inspire," said the executive. "You’ve probably never heard of it."

In light of the recent government shutdown in the United States, many al Qaeda operatives are lamenting the lack of federal employees to massacre.

“Thanks, Obama,” tweeted one disgruntled fanatic.

Paul contributed to this report before it was popular.