Gen. Alexander Released From NSA, Forced To Register As Spy Offender

FORT MEADE — Gen. Keith Alexander will be required to register as a spy offender after being released on Friday from the maximum security headquarters of the National Security Agency, sources confirmed.

As the former head of the secretive intelligence agency, Alexander will be required to go door-to-door in his community, telling neighbors about his controversial activities while inside, from listening to their phone calls to intercepting all of their SnapChat sexting pictures.

"Hi, I just moved in down the street and I'm required by the FISA court to notify you of my status as a spy offender," Alexander said to one neighbor. "The fact is, I had a problem. I did my time for it in a windowless, desolate place, and now I've taken off my uniform and want to move on with my life."

Sources also confirmed Alexander would not be allowed within 1000 feet of a telephone company.