First all-female infantry platoon sets record for misconduct charges

FORT BENNING, Ga. — The first all-female infantry platoon in the United States military, despite breaking lots of sexist barriers, has also broken lots of rules, sources say.

A spokesman for the US Army Infantry Center Of Excellence at Fort Benning, Ga., confirmed reports that the platoon leads its training brigade in disciplinary infractions.

“It’s true that First Platoon, Alpha Company, 1-19 Infantry, or ‘Beaver Platoon’ as they’ve taken to calling themselves, is having a few growing pains with conduct,” said Maj. Amos P. Prescott, II, the 198th Infantry Brigade Media Relations Officer, though “they also posted very high stats in sharpshooting, field sanitation, and applying face camouflage.”

According to Prescott, Beaver Platoon barely managed to pass land navigation, and was temporarily suspended after allegations that it had stopped to ask directions from a Range Control official.

Sources at Fort Benning say that compared to other platoons in the brigade, Beaver Platoon has almost three times as many soldiers under investigation, pending charges, or on punishment phase after a completed disciplinary action.

“First there was Montez, who keeps flashing her yabboes at the guy who mows the grass outside our barracks,” said the (Recruit) Platoon Sergeant, Private Tasha Yar.

“And after that it just got out of hand, with the girls just showing their teeters to literally every male they see. We really got in trouble when the garrison commander’s son caused that 11-car pileup outside Ranger Joe’s because four of the girls were waving their boobs at him and he ran the stoplight.”

A review of legal files obtained through a FOIA request revealed that the platoon also has soldiers who have been found guilty of conduct unbecoming, hazing, sexual harassment, and aggravated naggery.

“We actually got let off of our collective extra duty for a few weeks,” said Pvt. Mara Jade, an acting section sergeant, “because Brigade hadn’t heard about the incident where four of the girls pushed that guy from Bravo into the mop closet and made him show them his balls and drew vaginas all over his face. Or when we got that three-day pass for Milk Day and went to amateur night at Melon Shakers. Thank God sergeant major didn’t ever find out about that.”

“Yeah, but then that picture ended up on Facebook and went viral,” added her battle buddy, Pvt. Kaywinnet Frye. “You know the one, right? Where we’re all in the dayroom cleaning our rifles after the Phase Two FTX, and the squad leaders are all holding up a sign that said SEND BEER AND DICKS! Yeah, that got us in the most trouble yet.”

Officials noted that, oddly, the misconduct tended to cluster in the same five-to-seven day period every 28 days or so. Analysts at brigade operations were, so far, mystified by the timing.

At press time, the platoon had changed its callsign to “Clamazons” and was holding a collective sleepover at the east end of their barracks floor, braiding each other’s hair, and watching Disney movies while painting their nails and talking about boys and stickers.