WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington-area police have issued an Amber Alert and are seeking the public's help in locating a missing 238-year old foreign policy for the United States.
The foreign policy was described as wholly consistent with our national security interests, while also balancing the needs for human rights, labor, business and the environment. It answers to the Obama Doctrine, the Bush Doctrine, the Clinton Doctrine, the Powell Doctrine, the Weinberger Doctrine, and the Domino Theory.
When last seen it was speaking softly and carrying a big stick.
Police are looking for a suspect, described by witnesses as a well-dressed middle-aged bald man who spoke with a Russian accent. The man was seen getting into a stretch limousine in downtown Washington with the foreign policy early on Monday.
Some law enforcement officials were confused on how to proceed.
"We can't get it back because we don't negotiate with kidnappers and terrorists," said FBI Director James Comey, before correcting himself. "Wait, maybe we do ... or do we? Dammit! We need it back right now!"
"We believe with high confidence that the kidnappers of the foreign policy will demand a hefty ransom," said D.C. Chief of Police Cathy Lanier, who has taken the lead on the investigation. "This will likely include demands of overseas military bases, nuclear missile silos, and even possible Tomahawk missile launches against random countries in the Middle East."
Lanier has dismissed suggestions by the Department of Homeland Security that the foreign policy may have kidnapped itself, although she couldn't completely rule it out. She mentioned that the foreign policy did seem to regularly go missing in times of personal crisis, such as an unexplained eight-year disappearance from 2001 to 2009 which it later blamed on "terrorists."
Longtime friend Australia admitted that the foreign policy had been acting erratic lately, flip-flopping and dithering on Syria, Iran, China, and Afghanistan. Australia suggested this might be due to its recent breakup with steady girlfriend Angela Merkel after it was caught stalking her over the phone.
David Eisenhower, a research analyst at the Rand Corporation, believes the foreign policy may have been kidnapped by something called the "military-industrial complex," although his group is struggling to pinpoint exactly what that is.
Washington officials are hoping to recover the foreign policy before this weekend's Mideast conference, in which the U.S. will either support or oppose Israel in its diplomatic negotiations with Egypt, a longtime friend or enemy of the United States.
Duffel Blog editor Paul also contributed to this report.