Apple, Facebook, Google issue joint statement condemning NSA data mining

SAN FRANCISCO — Silicon Valley technology giants Apple, Facebook and Google, in a rare joint statement, condemned the National Security Agency and other government organizations for mining internet users’ private data on Thursday.

The media titans called the agency “un-American” and vowed not to cooperate with federal agencies and authorities unless directed by a lawful court order or warrant.

“We are appalled that the federal government would spy on its own citizens, who have not been accused of any crime or infraction,” said Alexandra Forrest, a Google spokeswoman.

"We are shocked that the NSA and other government bodies, such as the FBI and ATF, use their processing power to ‘crack’ phones of people who aren’t there to defend themselves — a complete violation of our citizens’ confidence," she added, before pausing to read notifications on her Android phone informing her of lawyers in her area and an interesting movie that just came on Netflix called "Confidence."

Apple also sharply criticized the signals intelligence agency.

"We at Apple are also shocked that the National Security Agency would use its unassailable might to conceivably pressure private citizens and organizations to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do," a spokesman told reporters in a statement written on an iPhone, which was assembled in Senegal by an orphan child dying of nickel poisoning making an entire two farthings a day.

“At Facebook, we’ve taken steps to ensure that none of our employees are working on projects for the Department of Defense, which could theoretically be used to kill innocent people in foreign lands,” said Facebook spokeswoman Irani Rael. “We’re also happy to announce that we’ve added a ‘fake’ descriptor sticker to the Facebook feeds of anybody who’s ever voted for a Republican or Libertarian candidate, which we are able to determine by looking at your bank accounts."

“How are you enjoying those anal beads and the Daniel Craig pillowslip you purchased at 11:35 PM on the night of May 6th?” Rael then asked a reporter in attendance.

At press time, journalists and stock analysts were hailing the tech companies' stance, calling it a big step forward for privacy, especially after they were all anonymously emailed an Excel spreadsheet of everything they’ve ever posted online, even in Incognito mode.