Arab sailor says recent terror attacks have made it impossible for him to get laid

SPAIN — An Arab Sailor based at Naval Station Rota is reporting a complete and total “dry spell” following the most recent series of terrorist attacks across Europe.

Seaman Mohamed Halabi, who was born in Morocco and immigrated to the US in 1993 when he was seven years old, claims the “pussy market is like the 2008 recession right now, and I’m Lehman Brothers," he told reporters.

“It was hard enough being a teenager in New York after September 11th,” said Halabi, who cited the lack of sex as the main reason he joined the Navy.

"It seemed like the right move at first," he said. That was especially true when his numbers started to rebound following an overseas assignment to Spain, where young women paid little attention to his national origin.

“I was in there like swimwear,” Halibi said. “But then these cock-blockers shot up Paris, and now it’s like New York all over again. I can’t even get a BJ anymore.”

"Seriously, fuck ISIS," he added.

Halabi reported the level of game that he is required to bring to the table since the recent attack in Nice is “beyond what any young service member should have to bring to get a piece of ass these days.”

“I’m telling these Spanish women I’m a Saudi Prince, and I’m purchasing fake Patek Phillipe watches at the market,” said Halabi. “It’s ridiculous.”

“My parents aren’t going to be able to read this, right?”

At last Friday’s market close, Halabi’s numbers had dropped significantly, but analysts expect a rebound over the coming weekend, barring any significant terror activity.