Army celebrates 10 years of porn-free warzones after 100% effective General Order 1B

THE PENTAGON—The United States Army commemorated the 10th anniversary of its highly successful General Order Number 1B this Wednesday, a policy which among other things explicitly proscribes American troops from possessing or viewing pornography in places such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

Originally drafted by General John Abizaid in 2006, the completely effective order is little known to the American public. General Order 1B strictly forbids such wartime taboos as entering a Mosque without permission, photographing dead enemies, and consuming alcohol. It also includes a provision forbidding American Soldiers from watching, trading, drawing, or even thinking about pornography.

“This was a huge gamble on the part of the military,” said pornography historian Bill Ruskin. “Never before in the course of human conflict has an armed force in battle been able to stop their soldiers from enjoying even rudimentary depictions of intercourse. Even the Roman legions were doodling boobs and butts on the insides of their shields, to be shared with the entire cohort.”

But after several embarrassing cultural missteps, the Department of Defense felt compelled to get a grip on the incredible volume of pornography being consumed by deployed troops during their year increasingly lengthy tours of duty in religiously conservative areas.

However, unlike many rules and regulations troops pay lip service to, General Order 1B has been “fanatically adhered to,” reports Acting Secretary of the Army Pat Murphy.

“We just got such overwhelming feedback staring us right in the single eye, we had to keep it,” Mr. Murphy said, “The troops just up and abandoned all their porn. We really have to give them a hand.”

The Army reports that the last time an order or regulation was so successful was the Latrine Act of 1840, which expressly forbade the “lewd and lascivious act of self-gratification within the confines of US Army stockades, privies, barracks quarters, and seats of ease.”