Army career manager ‘emotionally exhausted’ from screwing so many people

FORT KNOX, Ky. — Your career manager is “emotionally” exhausted from screwing so many people today, sources report.

Capt. Melanie Benford, who manages the careers of aviation captains, reportedly screwed over at least 20 different pilots before even eating lunch time on Monday morning.

She started with a threesome: Capt. Andrew Adams and his field-artillery wife, Capt. Annie Adams. Both officers ranked Fort Campbell as their top duty station and were requested by units in the 101st Airborne Division to work there, one-to-one matches with the Army’s new talent marketplace. They are enrolled in the Married Army Couples Program, a program that purports to keep married service members together when possible.

However, on Monday morning Capt. Benford identified a shortage of pilots at Fort Bragg. She saw “Andrew Adams” at the top of her alphabetical list and immediately altered his orders—too easy! She didn’t bother to notify him, as he should be checking his Human Resources account daily.

Next were a series of “broadening assignments.” TRADOC needs pilots, too, and Capt. Benford had to fill those slots ASAP. She changed the orders of four separate officers after telling them for months they would be posted elsewhere. Capt. Tyson, who had planned a wedding near Fort Drum, NY, her expected new duty station, was re-routed to Fort Irwin, CA

Finally, Capt. Benford changed fifteen ‘permanent duty station’ orders to “temporary duty station orders” for the aviation captain’s career course. What does this mean exactly? Well, instead of families moving with their service member, service members must move to the career course alone and will be staying in a hotel or a barracks room for five to six months.

“I just returned from a nine-month deployment, and now I’ll hardly see my husband and two kids for six months,” says Capt. Joelle Fillya. “This is absurd, especially considering that all of our career course classes are online! Why don’t we complete the course remotely so that we can stay with our families?”

Capt. Fillya apparently doesn’t understand that separating families helps to prevent the spread of COVID-19, according to general officers who hate their families.

What would happen if Capt. Benford stopped screwing her pilots, voiced their concerns, failed, or didn’t fill all of her slots? Well, her numbers wouldn’t look so good, and her evaluation might suffer. And she can’t let that happen, because it’s all about the game, baby.