FORT KNOX, Ky. — Your career manager is “emotionally” exhausted from screwing so many people today, sources report.

Capt. Melanie Benford, who manages the careers of aviation captains, reportedly screwed over at least 20 different pilots before even eating lunch time on Monday morning.

She started with a threesome: Capt. Andrew Adams and his field-artillery wife, Capt. Annie Adams. Both officers ranked Fort Campbell as their top duty station and were requested by units in the 101st Airborne Division to work there, one-to-one matches with the Army’s new talent marketplace. They are enrolled in the Married Army Couples Program, a program that purports to keep married service members together when possible.

However, on Monday morning Capt. Benford identified a shortage of pilots at Fort Bragg. She saw “Andrew Adams” at the top of her alphabetical list and immediately altered his orders—too easy! She didn’t bother to notify him, as he should be checking his Human Resources account daily.

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