Army chief says service doing great, has ‘pretty much no problems’

WASHINGTON – Breaking with his peers and the entire history of the Defense Department, the Chief of Staff of the Army said today that the service is in absolutely, perfectly great shape.

“Doing great, pretty much no problems, man,” said Chief of Staff Gen. James C. McConville, popping a stick of chewing gum in his mouth outside a shopette at Ft. Eustis, Va.

At a time when department chiefs from the Air Force and Navy plus the Marine Corps have all pointed to issues with readiness, training and retention, the Army is fine, according to McConville.

“Not a critical time for us at all,” he said. “You hear about the pivot to China and Russian assholes and whatnot, but that’s not shit. Nothing we can’t handle because we’re golden. We’re freaking loaded and I could buy everything in every shopette around the world with my government travel card without blinking. New long-distance accurate artillery and cyber security are another matter, but no matter.”

McConville continued, “Man, we’ve got all the toys we want and then some. I don’t need to go to Congress for jack right now.” He then took the plastic wrapper off a lollipop and popped it in his mouth while declining a request to appear before the Senate Armed Services Committee to discuss its proposal for a significant budget uplift.

McConville pointed out the 217 percent increase in shopettes across Army installations since 1865, as well as the 47 percent decrease in DFAC food poisoning cases since last month.

“We kicked that salmonella thing better than state and local kicked COVID-19, tell you what,” he said. “But our shopettes still have a long way to go when it comes to those hot dogs on rollers.” He then belched and excused himself to “go say a prayer” in the shopette’s latrine.

His aides then rushed to tell reporters, congressional staffers and a nearby pigeon that, actually, the Army is in bad shape due to modernization-killing Congressional continuing resolutions, endless overseas deployments and the continued existence of Ft. Hood. But then McConville reappeared smiling to reassure the public that the Army’s mission will continue undeterred.

“I want citizens and shopette workers to know that your United States Army has never been more prepared than right now,” he said, while opening a can of boiled peanuts he just bought and eating them cold on the spot.

“The nation may have civil unrest and a postal service that’s been terrible for forty years, but those aren’t problems we’d call on Title 10 forces to deal with. Posse Comitatus and so on.

“I’ve got endless trouble in South Asia and Africa,” he added, “plus those pesky issues at ‘The Hood’ — I mean, Ft. Hood. But those are low-hanging fruit to pick, because we’re all good here in the nation’s United States Army.”