NEW YORK — An Army attempt to copy the success of the Navy’s Fleet Week has resulted in seven casualties, $82 million in lost business revenue, and a near war with Canada, sources report.
The senior service's first attempt to demonstrate the finest land warfare traditions through patriotic demonstrations such as foot patrols, L-shaped ambushes and artillery barrages, created riots, widespread panic and a short-lived gang coalition. Though announced in advance in The New York Times and WNYC, the displays were not met with the free drinks and thrown panties Fleet Week is known for.
“Fleet week has been a hugely successful way to build a relationship between New Yorkers and the maritime services while improving morale,” said Col. Terry Bradshaw, director of the Army Community relations program. “We got the program from the Navy and copied it exactly — with weapons, equipment displays, and of course, 5,000 service members walking around town and into schools and businesses. "
"We were really shocked how unfriendly the response was. I guess the cracker Jacks go a long way.”
“Oh, God, it’s the endtimes,” said lifelong Brooklyn resident Kathy LaFontaine. “Those rightwing nut cases said that a complete military occupation would follow Obamacare, but I didn’t think they could be right.”
“We saw how during Fleet Week, all those sailors and Marines pull some mad tail and get invited to random parties,” said Spc. Ryan Atkinson. “We thought all these hot chicks with jobs would be thanking us for our service. Instead, the bars we walked up to immediately closed. Not one girl wanted to wear my sweaty four pound helmet for a selfie with me.”
“The traffic here is terrible already,” said another New Yorker who’s name couldn’t be heard over street noise. “We don’t need to add 180 MRAPs to it. They're so bad at changes lanes the cabbies are afraid to drive next to them.”
A group of local high school students lashed out on Twitter about their disappointment over a Special Forces demonstration in Bushwick.
“I saw a lot of unbathed guys in beards, rucks and faded camo," said Sadie Lam, visiting from Park Slope. "But that’s everyone. Where are the spec ops guys we were promised?”
“Maybe it’s that guy with all the tattoos stopping people on the street and offering to teach them some stuff he learned in Cambodia? Maybe not. It’s so fucking hard to tell.”
After a tank maneuver demonstration in central park, geostationary Intelligence Satellites reported the Canadian Army moving towards Niagara Falls. After emergency diplomatic talks, the army has agreed to end what the New York Post dubbed “Surge Week.”
“I think what we’ve learned from this,” said Bradshaw, “is if you pull 4,500 sailors into New York Harbor, the average New Yorker’s reaction is that it’s adorable. You can’t say that about soldiers.”