Major Changes Announced For Army's Expert Infantryman Badge Test

FORT BENNING, Ga. — The Army is planning major changes to its Expert Infantryman's Badge (EIB) testing standards, according to a leaked document obtained by Duffel Blog. The existence of the document was first reported by the Army Times.

Most significantly, officers will no longer be required to attend EIB training, testing, or the award ceremony and, starting December 1st, incoming second lieutenants will be awarded an EIB as a college graduation present.

Several other changes are notable. The EIB course will now culminate with a "DA FORM 2823 - Sworn Statement creative writing" event that awards soldiers with the best cover-up stories for their war crimes. Further, participants will complete a timed "Active Shooter Drill," in which all EIB participants will have 30 seconds to find a concealed position and place self-indulgent, wildly inaccurate calls to global media outlets.

The Command Launch Unit (CLU) and FGM-148 Javelin (the man-portable fire-and-forget anti-tank missile fielded to replace the M47 Dragon anti-tank missile) will be removed because budget and ROE restrictions ensure soldiers will never actually use the weapon system. Likewise, grenade ID color markings will be eliminated because they discriminate against color-blind soldiers.

To promote health and wellness, soldiers will be required to identify eight out of ten STDs in a room devoid of light by smell and feel alone.

Females who take the test will get three chances each to pass the PT test, road march, land navigation, infantry skill lanes, and Objective Bull evacuation test. Males will be eliminated after a single failure.

A timed police call will be added before and after the assemble, disassemble M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW) station.

Soldiers with Combat Infantryman's Badges (CIB) will face non-judicial punishment for laughing and pointing at soldiers with EIBs.

Command Sgt. Maj. Wilbert Engram, the senior enlisted soldier at the U.S. Army Infantry School, addressed the changes in a press conference at Fort Benning.

After several questions focused on whether the new standards would lower morale and expose 97% of the infantry for not being experts at the jobs they love to brag about, Engram's response was blunt.

"At the end of the day it is not just about readiness, Espirit de Corps, or forcing company grade leaders to stay late tracking completion statistics that will be irrelevant in a matter of days," Engram said. "Well, maybe it is about about those things, but mostly it is about protecting the badge that I and other senior leaders already earned under less stringent requirements."

"And besides," Engram added, "we need to figure out a way to make people feel inferior now that every idiot who has ever heard a mortar round has a CIB."

Investigative reporters Maxx Butthurt, Jay, and Dirty contributed to this report.