Army fails to meet First Lady's 'Move 60' fitness goal

THE PENTAGON — The Army recently announced that all of its Brigade Combat Teams have failed to meet First Lady Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” goal of exercising 60 minutes per day, five days a week, according to a recent survey.

The health initiative, championed by the First Lady, pushes kids and adults to exercise for at least one hour a day. The Army insists that they have no time to spare for working out, however.

“I'd have time to 'move 60' too if I was a professional housewife,” Pvt. Jacob Johnson of the 101st Airborne responded in the confidential survey. “But I’m a soldier, so the only thing I’m moving is a 30-rack of Keystone© to the barracks.”

Sgt. Dylan Roberts, a Counterintelligence NCO, echoed Johnson’s concerns.

“I spend 95% of my days intercepting soldiers’ dick-pics on Snapchat,” Roberts wrote. “The other 5% I’m sending some of my own. I do all that from the comfort of my office. Why do I need to worry about physical fitness with my job?”

Other notable excuses included SHARP and career concerns.

“All of my energy during my time as commander has been devoted to prevent sexual harassment in my company,” Capt. John Delaney with the 1st Armored Division wrote. “Now you want me to encourage the lower enlisted to get sweaty in close-quarters together?”

In fact the only organization that reported success with fitness was the 75th Ranger Regiment. The Regiment reported their training time as: “70% Physical Fitness, 10% Haircuts, 20% Hazing/Heavy Petting.”

Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel Dailey went to the gym after reviewing the results of the survey.

“These fat fucks are the reason I lift so goddamned much,” Dailey growled as he set a new personal record on deadlift.

The First Lady could not be reached for comment.