Army Investigating Claims Battalion Fought War With Deflated Morale

FORT LEWIS, Wash. — The Army’s Inspector General is continuing to search for evidence surrounding allegations that the Second Battalion, Third Infantry Regiment, also known as the Patriots, was fighting with deflated morale, giving the unit an unfair disadvantage in combat.

The Patriots’ commander, Lt. Col. William Welichick, defended his team’s performance, claiming that they have fought this badly long before the accusations of low morale began. “We have always been the worst fighting force in the USA, but you know what they say: when you’re on bottom, everyone’s out to get you,” he said.

Nobel laureate Dr. Edgar Herbert has publicly called into question the science behind the investigation’s premise that low morale presents an unfair disadvantage at all. “The claim that fighting with deflated morale is a disadvantage is as illogical as playing with a flattened football. The science just doesn’t support either one,” Herbert argued.

Herbert demonstrated on his whiteboard. “Morale is measured in Craps Given, and the Patriots have always tested positive for about .0001 Craps Given per day. Recent measurements show almost no deviation, but the number seems deflated because the Army expects about 1052 Craps Given, or one metric F***ton, of morale per day.”

Patriots Sgt. Maj. Tom Bradley told Duffel Blog that there is no way that he would ever cheat to lose. “I didn’t alter the troops in any way. To me, those soldiers are perfect,” he said. "I love it when they are soft and huggable."

Bradley smirked, concluding, “Maybe they weren’t pumped up about the war, but even our man Robert Bales gave everything he had in Afghanistan, and we lost just the same. Whether they want to suspend the colonel or not, I’m ready to take my Patriots back into combat next fighting season.”

In related news, the Air Force is investigating whether the Massachusetts-based 439th Airlift Wing, the so-called "Patriot Wing," has been flying with properly inflated tires.