FORT LEE, Va. — The Army will disband its entire logistics corps and use Amazon.com for all logistical needs, Duffel Blog has learned.
"After consistently failing to conduct our mission without hemorrhaging money to contractors, we decided to try something different," said Lt. Gen Raymond V. Mason, Deputy Chief of Staff of the Army, G-4. "It's definitely a bittersweet day. While we close the book on the storied history of an Army institution, we welcome our new partners from Amazon.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be in charge of ensuring that all Soldiers get their supplies of beans and bullets, Mason added, "in three to five business days."
Indeed, Army officials confirmed that combat leaders would now receive support in a timely fashion, in part due to Amazon’s emphasis on actual work and not whether its employees have completed Suicide Awareness training. In anticipation of soldiers' demands, Amazon has already released a new website catering to the military called “AmazonUnderscoreBackslashLIWForwardslash4528103HyphenDotPHP.”
“We weren’t expecting to use that name,” said Bezos, “but the Army’s G-6 said anything else would be a gross violation of government regulations.”
During a demonstration of the new website, Specialist Christopher Holmes, a supply clerk at the Pentagon, revealed Amazon’s “one-click requisition” service. “Want your MRAP by Monday, July 21st? Order by 3pm and select one-day shipping," read one item description.
“And without the FAA to harass us, we can fully explore the possibilities of an autonomous drone fleet," added Bezos.
Bezos, highlighting the possibilities of the new partnership, floated one possible scenario: "Are you in the middle of a desperate firefight? Our drones can deliver a box of quality Chinese-made ammunition to your place of residence or work in less than 30 minutes. Just add $19.95 for shipping and handling."
News of the contract with Amazon received mixed response. While soon-to-be-unemployed logistics officers and sergeants major were not fully appreciative of the idea, most junior soldiers were ecstatic.
“The Army also purchased the Amazon Prime option as part of the contract,” said Specialist Jebediah White. “It’s only got AFN commercials for now, but I heard Amazon struck a deal to give Bagram Batman his own night-time talk show. I can’t wait.”
Jay-B contributed to this story.