FORT LEE, Va. — The Army will disband its entire logistics corps and use Amazon.com for all logistical needs, Duffel Blog has learned.

"After consistently failing to conduct our mission without hemorrhaging money to contractors, we decided to try something different," said Lt. Gen Raymond V. Mason, Deputy Chief of Staff of the Army, G-4. "It's definitely a bittersweet day. While we close the book on the storied history of an Army institution, we welcome our new partners from Amazon.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be in charge of ensuring that all Soldiers get their supplies of beans and bullets, Mason added, "in three to five business days."

Indeed, Army officials confirmed that combat leaders would now receive support in a timely fashion, in part due to Amazon’s emphasis on actual work and not whether its employees have completed Suicide Awareness training. In anticipation of soldiers' demands, Amazon has already released a new website catering to the military called “AmazonUnderscoreBackslashLIWForwardslash4528103HyphenDotPHP.”