By Bad Lawyer
WASHINGTON — The Defense Secretary on Tuesday ordered the Army-Navy Game renamed to Suckers vs. Losers Bowl in order to better reflect White House policy changes toward the military.
“President Donald J. Trump supports our military 100%,” said Defense Secretary Mark Esper. “He knows these suckers and losers serve with honor and distinction.”
The latest move by the Pentagon chief follows a string of controversial pro-Trump stances taken in recent months, including Esper blaming Navy Capt. Brett Crozier for the Covid-19 pandemic in July, and his controversial re-tweet of Twitter user “MAGAfan#1QANoNWhitePowerBill” in August.
Trump immediately praised the decision as “Yesper’s most brilliant move.”
“Unlike dying for one’s country, obvious ass-kissing is something I can understand and appreciate,” said Trump, who then pledged to spend $70 million of the defense budget updating Lincoln Financial Field for the game. “We need to add a separate entrance and balcony for the amputees and maimed. No one wants to see that.”
Seventy-four anonymous sources also confirmed Trump is planning a “really huge military parade” with “lots of tanks and other cool shit” to celebrate the renamed games. The field remodel will include adding inspiring quotes above each entrance, such as “I like people that weren’t captured” and “cemeteries are full of losers.”
While calling them “the true winners," Trump said he plans to invite those who successfully avoided “the draft and herpes” to the game, while making clear that POW attendance would be highly discouraged.
Despite an announcement from The Pentagon and White House, eleven confirming tweets from the president, and independent verification from one of its own reporters, Fox News was still waiting to confirm the story. “We have done a poll of our viewers and 47% say this is fake news, so we obviously cannot be sure here,” said Fox News spokesman Tucker Carlson.
At press time, sources familiar with the matter said the administration was so pleased with Esper’s decision that it would consider renaming the military’s Wounded Warrior Battalions to the Wounded Baby Battalions.