Army needs more young, fit, tender soldiers, Zombie General says

THE PENTAGON — Maj. Gen. Grigori Tepes, the Army’s first openly zombie general, has focused his command on one thing: more soldiers to fight and win America’s wars in an increasingly complex world.

“This is the smallest force the Army has had since World War II,” said Tepes, quietly sharpening his filet knife under his desk. “That won’t do it all. We need a larger force, and for that we must recruit the highest quality young, fit, tender, delicious soldiers we can.”

Tepes has joined many in the Pentagon demanding increased end strength across the Total Army. As Army Chief of Staff Gen. Milley testified to Congress about the need for more forces, Tepes could be heard rubbing his hands together and softly chanting, “Yes…end strength. Delicious, delicious end strength. Mmmmmmmm.”

Though only one of three American youths is found to be medically qualified for military service, Tepes emphasized that potential soldiers were also needed for their brains.

“Through good professional development, military education, and higher level schooling, we must also develop a force with mental acuity and brainpower," said Tepes, before reiterating: “Precious, life-giving brains.”

“Our soldiers are literally the life-blood that sustains my force,” added Tepes. “I mean OUR force. Yes, our force. We need the kinds of Americans who can serve proudly in the Profession of Arms."

He added: "Mmmm. Arms. Strong, meaty arms."

Though directly responsible for the active component force, Tepes has publicly-supported increased force levels for the Army National Guard.

“The Army National Guard is providing 30 percent of our total overseas missions,” said Tepes. “And due to their citizen-soldier lifestyle, they usually have the best marbling.”

Tepes emphasizes strong health and fitness in soldiers, by reminding his command that “no one likes a gamey soldier.”

“At a recent press conference, Gen. Milley said, ‘The strength of our Army is the diversity of our soldiers,’” said Tepes. “And I couldn’t agree more. We need many, many flavors of soldier.”

Tepes gave little information on his other command initiatives, though he did mention he’s looking into eliminating the Combat Water Survival Test.

Zombie Specialist Lee Ho Fuk contributed reporting.