Army North commander who once failed a land navigation course reports for duty at Army South

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — U.S. Army North commander Lt. Gen. Jeffrey S. Buchanan, who failed a land navigation course as a lieutenant, mistakenly reported for duty today at U.S. Army South, sources confirmed.

His confusion may have occurred because U.S. Army North (ARNORTH) is located on the same installation — Fort Sam Houston — as U.S. Army South (ARSOUTH). Or it could be that officers of all ranks can’t tell left from right, or north from south.

Maj. Gen. Mark R. Stammer, the commander of ARSOUTH, was reportedly shocked to see a lieutenant general standing outside his office asking the chief of staff for the latest weekly battle rhythm, updates on that SIPRNet issue, and whether anyone had restocked toilet paper in the “little general’s latrine.”

“I thought I’d been fired,” said Stammer. “You know how this administration gets rid of people without telling them first," noting that he even had his executive officer check social media but there was nothing written about him from the president on Twitter.

Relieved to find out he hadn’t been relieved, Stammer then escorted Buchanan back to his car — he’d forgotten where he parked it — and pointed in the general direction of ARNORTH headquarters at the “Quadrangle,” the famous stone fort a few miles away.

“You don’t need grid coordinates for this one, sir,” said Stammer. “Just look for the stone fort with the big clock tower where all the officers are leaving at 1500.”

Buchanan — who assumed command of ARNORTH back in 2016 — then more or less drove toward his own headquarters, running off the road a few times and scattering some soldiers doing physical training. “Sorry,” he reportedly told them. “This GPS is killing me.”

At press time, ARNORTH’s Command Sgt. Maj. Ronald E. Orosz was seen furiously attempting to wave off Buchanan from reporting for duty at the post shoppette on Wilson Way.