FORT HOOD, Texas – It's always a joyous occasion when Army majors pin on their next rank of lieutenant colonel, but absent from the celebration this week was Maj. Ken Adams, who suspects his marital status may have cost him the promotion, sources confirmed.
Ken and his wife, Regina, have been happily married ever since the two lovebirds tied the knot after graduating college. "She was my best friend and soulmate, and still is," Adams said.
As Adams spoke, however, the command sergeant major happened to be walking past the interview when he suddenly keeled over and began dry heaving.
"Did you hear that sappy crap?" said Command Sgt. Maj. Ben Powers. "While he's spouting off flabber jabber, our unit's busy trying to locate a specialist's wife who never showed up for her shift at the gentlemen's club, and oh by the way, his checking account is cleaned out."
He added: "His humble-bragging bullshit is creating a toxic work environment."
On paper, Maj. Adams' profile looks competitive, having served in all the key developmental positions. He's even Ranger-tabbed and Airborne qualified, but he's consistently struggled to relate with soldiers and fellow officers that have had to cope with broken relationships and brutal divorces.
"I started to suspect something was wrong back when I was a captain," said Adams. "Everyone looked surprised, even agitated, when they saw Regina and my kids sitting in attendance during my command change-out."
All hope isn't lost for Maj. Adams. He has one more year to try and get promoted above the zone, but to do so will require him and Regina to file for divorce.
"I'm at a crossroads," said Maj. Adams, "between upholding the vows I made to Regina, and the oath I took to serve our great country."
Still, most senior officers believe that Maj. Adams is already finished.
"Not happening," said Col. Eric Jankowski, the brigade commander. "Even if they split, they'd probably say something nauseating like, 'we'll always be friends.' Probably even mean it too."
"See this?" Jankowsk said, handing reporters a framed picture from his desk to highlight his point. "My third wife, Ji-hee. Got her in Korea just before finishing battalion command. Doesn't speak a damn word of English, which is great since they accidentally called out my second wife's name during the change-out. She was just really jazzed to get some bright colorful flowers."